Chapter 8: Un-bear-able Pain

In a deadly-level battle that lasted from 6:30 to 9:00pm, the Blue Team fought tooth and nail for the minds of the Tempus-worshipers they’d met in two neighboring, identical villages.

More like beak and talon, actually—a pair of vultures were sicced on the lot by the Wizard Daisys, a middle aged elf woman who didn’t seem to mind tearing visitors to shreds. Oh yeah, and she had a fuzzy bear rug that came to life and tried to smother people.

The first vulture fell to Garius’ freezing hiccup. Roderick’s javelins smote with righteous fury, knocking another out. They did sizable damage, though, which was then exacerbated by that darn rug.

While Daisys watched from her balcony, Garius and Shovel were in turn interned by the bear skin, which cut off their air supply and also bashed their heads against the stone ground as a bonus.

Dopps was immediately charmed into thinking Daisys a friend and tried to get gone. Susan summoned a spooktastic vision for him, a monster amalgamation of every likeness she’d ever seen him don. It made rude gestured outside the front door, scaring him back inside. The rest of the party stayed safe from the mind control—especially Roderick, who kept throwing it off like he was really wise. Which was, like, a really good day for the guy.

Susan wandered off to read books. She didn’t even like the books.

The flunkies lay in blood or tatters, and only Daisys remained to be tackled. She’d just gotten a gnarly spell of Dominate Person on Garius when Dopps (having recently regained his mind) got with it and hurled every sharp object in the room at her in succession. Along with the might of the rest of the Blue Team, she fell.

Kilik was still nowhere to be seen. Which definitely had nothing to do with a concussion, and was definitely just because he was out enjoying nature and not being eaten by oversized birds of prey.

Experience: 510xp to Susan, Dopps, Garius, Roderick, and Shovel

Chapter 7: Donerick "Dopps" Arabella Shithead Schism Suspiciouslittlekid
He's supercalifragulisticexpealidosious

April 2nd, 2017.

Poor souls, the Blue Team essentially had to start their debate about “Dopps” the roguish Doppelganger over again. It felt as if nearly a year had passed since they’d last discussed the topic, though of course only moments had gone by.

Dopps/Donerick/that guy whined a lot and alternately either requested the sweet mercy of death or begged for anything-but-that. Party attitudes were as follows: Garius believes in second (third? fourth?) chances. Shovel believes in, You dun fucked up. Roderick believes in being the only Roderick. Kilik* decided to take some well-deserved me time and wandered off to either hunt and track or furiously masturbate, depending on who you ask. Susan believes in gold, and so she searched Big D (What, the DM doesn’t get to come up with nicknames?) really freaking well.

So well that she found a sweet ring hidden in his mouth! That’s not even where rings go! She kept it, to the distress of the Doppelganger. He joined the party through coercion and threats. Really, it’s all thanks to Garius for his can-do attitude.

The Blue Team found a small village, though from afar it appeared to be more like an outpost or encampment. Shovel’s trusty raven familiar who we all forget about and whose name may or may not be Edgar allowed Shovel to Bran Stark it up and get a literal bird’s eye view. The party saw the world’s buffest village, which they found a little discouraging.

Some villagers came out to meet them, and they were surprisingly friendly. The adventuring party was brought back to town, had a chat with the religious leader of the village, and was served some amazing chicken. Why did no one ask for the recipe? Y’all missed your shot. While being good guests, they learned that everyone in this town is part of some cultish following of the Tempus, a god of honorable warfare. Their devotion was signified by a sword shaped scar on their face and they were obsessed with the color red and with killing off some neighboring heretics who were worshipping Tempus all wrong and probably setting demons loose and loved the color blue. Also, Tempus was speaking to the Hammer (aka priest).

Blue team covertly hid their cherished Blue Team insignia. Roderick got hit on by a teenager who likes murder, which he seemed pretty cool with.

The gang headed north, spotting a tower they’d been told belonged to a wizard named Daisys along the way, and eventually getting a dose of deja vu when they arrived in blue-Tempus-village. THEIR hammer complained about heretics and demons and everybody loved lifting weights and said their chicken was better (which went unverified). Again, really missed out there. But yeah, Tempus was talking to their priest as well, and had been for several generations.

Shovel figured it out first—village A hates B, B hates A, wizard in the middle. This is all the wizard’s fault.

The party managed to be courteous for five fucking seconds, knocking on Daisys’ door. She said hey, then slammed the door in their faces when they started talking about the nearby villages. So naturally certain individuals started Fireball’ing the door—very poorly, doing zero damage. Daisys decided to invite them all in, and the session ended as it was 1am in Japan and time to roll initiative.

*Brandon was kidnapped or something to State College and not present.

Experience: None, no combat or completed quests.
Next session: April 28th or 29th, 2017/

Chapter 6: I'm Sure He'd Be Fine With Being Tied to a Tree For a While

On this day, Blue Team offended a mysterious old man who threw them out of their vision quest. They didn’t care, they had a portal to destroy! And a Klaz-goo-TEK (phonetic spelling) to find, maybe.

Susan knew of “Clasa Guta,” a fallen human civilization to the North West of Tirgaffr. The old man shouted a lot about orcs. Garius asked some good questions about what had just happened, but received few answers.

On their way trekking through Dorfinland, they were met by an adventurer named Donerick. He was in a tiny village which was being plagued by “jelly.” As unalarming as this sounded, the good members of Blue Team did stay to help out.

In the village, the team met Donerick’s sister, Aradella, and scared the ever living fuck out a simple, raciest shopkeeping girl. Charisma continued to be the party’s tragically weak spot and their attempts to gain information really just menaced people.

Blue Team spent the night on a farm. Literally on it, in Kilik’s case. From the roof, he spotted a little boy sneaking about in the fields. That was super suspicious, so he basically kidnapped an innocent child. The rest of the party was like, dude, you basically kidnapped an innocent child, and they eventually let him go.

One of the jellies attacked, and Roderick pranced* off to help damsel in potential distress, Aradella. The party gunned down their jelly foe, but Donerick rudely turned into Roderick and took off with Shovel. Shovel figured out shit was cray and so Donerick turned into Shovel. Shovel promptly walloped himself in the face.

Fight fight fight fight. The newly discover doppelganger was defeated and knocked unconscious by Roderick, who arrived back just in time.

The party revived the doppelganger to ask it important questions such as “The fuck,” but Roderick punched him out again for “Being a less attractive me.” Note that it is subjective whether faux-Roderick was more or less pretty than real-Roderick.

Much debate ensued as to the motivations of Donerick/Aradella/probably that kid, and whether or not the bodysnatching would-be-kidnapper should join the party and learn to be useful, good, and not so lonely.

This final question shall be resolved at the culmination of the next Tirgaffr session.

Experience this session:
345 experience for jellybro and doppelfriend battle, for everyone, even Roderick.
You are all still level 3.

*Carrie was maybe kinda drunk.

Chapter 5: Demons and Visions

Paladins were concerned about evil.

Everybody fought a lot of demons.

Shovel tried to interrogate a demon. It died instead for no known reason.

Tracked the demons to find a portal.

Found a shack of gods instead. An old guy opened its door and:
Shovel went through it.
Kilik and Garius found themselves on a mountain, speaking to the silhouette of a dragon.
Roderick went to a lovely dance party.
Susan found a warehouse. “Go to Klazgutok.”

For the demon fight:
337 experience points per player.

Chapter 4: Guys, This is Murder Poop
2nd Place in The Nobody's Cup, and We All Love Owlbears

Blue team finished their stellar competing by beating the shit out of each other. The last task of The Nobody’s Cup required them to solve a logic puzzle. Five white marble discs sat before a magical purple door which reminded the team of jam at first glance. Soon they discovered that it was not jam, it was annoying. On the bottom of the discs were words which they organized to read “To be strong, you must be weak.”

They spent a lot of time trying to hurl and smack the discs and various other items such as their fists at the door with no effects. Eventually, Shovel figured out that hey, maybe someone should get knocked out. Everyone laughed at him. Turned out he was right, though – the marple discs began to exude an encouraging warmth when a person who had sustained any sort of damage made contact. Blue Team proceeded to attack with gusto. Susan was personally offended, and tried to charm Shovel into treating her better, hitting Kilik by accident as he dove to intercept what he thought was a puzzle-helping Eldrich Blast.

Blue Team (for life) came in second in the competition, which awarded them some ability-boosting potions and a bit of nice cash. They also attracted fans, some of whom flirted with them, but another sent them on a quest. Lord Neville the Patchily Bearded, a young, nervous human lord trying to do right by his people, implored that the party come and put an end to a terrible beast or beasts rampaging about his lands. Intrigued by promises of gold, tracking, and the saving of otherwise edible babies, Blue Team stuck together and journeyed northward.

Kilik tracked the heck out of whatever was out there, and found two diverging paths. One of a big, solitary beast and another of many vaguely humanoid creatures. The team chose to follow the former, which lead them to some Owlbear poo (full of the bones of babies) and then the Owlbear who did the poo. It roared a lot on a tiny island, and threatened a couple of ladies and their kids in a tree. It wasn’t as threatening as the DM had thought, and was slain without even getting to attack anybody, which is sad because one of its attacks is called “Beak” which is just awesome sorry it’s almost 11pm and I need to sleep what is punctuation

Experience Points:
Disc and door puzzle: 75 exp
Owl-bearnie Sanders: 140 exp

Approximate total exp: 655
All party members should level up to 3.

Chapter 2: Blue Team for Life!

The band of adventurers began the session with a short rest and scored some welcome potions from the devotees of Pelor.

A young woman by the name of Kericka offered them performance-enhancing drugs, which the ranger and paladins declined. Susan was interested, but ultimately Garius talked her out of purchasing a potentially bunk ’rabbit’s foot.’

Rested and revived, Blue Team made it through the first round of The Nobody’s Cup. There were some hiccups along the way. The two enchanted hide suits of armor proved easy to destroy, but the flying swords caused a bit more trouble.

Most notably, Susan managed to miss so horrible with an Eldrich Blast that she necrotically damaged the robes of a member of the judge’s panel. Not to be outdone, Kilik tried to put on a brave face when a flying sword narrowly missed him, but visibly peed himself instead.

Victory was secured, popcorn acquired, and the medical tent revisited. Kericka returned and suggested the players visit the eastern woods at sundown if they wanted to have an interesting time and win a ‘hot’ prize.

Suspicious, Sir Roderick and Garius visited the petting zoo, which they found to be emptied.

After a nice long rest, the sun began to set and everyone waltzed off into the deep, dark woods. Kilik found the path was well used, but the amount of people and creatures passing through seemed to have stirred up the creatures of the wilds.

Twig blights, a needle blight, and a violet fungus ambushed. Some took serious blows, but ultimately the creatures were all destroyed.

Chapter 1: The Nobody's Cup
Recounting your first session

Five lone persons wandered into The Great Tournament. They have become five people who know each other.

Bertland the halfling official shanghaied most if not all of them into competing in the Nobody’s Cup, a competition of martial and mental skill for unproven aspiring adventurers.

Several of the group tried to shop, with minor success. More success was had in light frivolous drinking.

Some worgs broke free from a badly-fenced petting zoo and scared the crap out of a bunch of commoners. They also tore some holes in the party, leaving both Shovel and Kilik unconscious for a few nerve-wracking moments.

Cabbages and good will were won in the aftermath.

XP awarded: 225 each.

Once upon a time...

A band of adventurers, their dreams and pasts unalike, thrown together by the hands of fate to unite for a common goal!

Or to bicker and complain about each other while fighting weird critters.

Coming soon, to an unstable Skype call near you.


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